


Weakness

by ktsumagari



Category: Fallout (Video Games), Fallout 4
Genre: Gen, M/M, Past Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-06
Updated: 2016-07-06
Packaged: 2018-07-21 20:43:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,807
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7403614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ktsumagari/pseuds/ktsumagari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jen is faced with their inner demons as they try to make Strong understand why is it acceptable to be weak.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Weakness

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo, so this is my first fic haha,,, I'm not a native English speaker but this was fun to write so hopefully you can enjoy. Jen is a Sole Survivor (they/them pronouns) and this is more of an insight into their character, and it's very slightly Strong x SoSu. Careful for abuse mention but I don't get too graphic with it, and it's more about the effects of said abuse.

‘Human weak.’ 

 

It had been about the tenth time Strong had said that today. Maybe the twelfth. Jen didn’t mind it  very much and understood where Strong was coming from, the simple-minded frustration stemming off of him whenever a raider managed to knock them down to their feet, forcing the super mutant to take action. Which happened more often than it probably should.

 

‘Good thing you’re strong, then.’

 

Jen chuckled slightly. Their new friend was strange source of comfort and despite how different they were in literally every aspect, they loved hanging out with Strong. Jen never had a weak stomach or tried too hard to interfere with other people’s way of living as long as their loved ones were safe, so watching him cannibalise on a couple of raiders never really got to them, and they didn’t mind his violent behavior as it wasn’t hard to direct it more carefully to keep innocents safe. If anything, having Strong next to them was a relief because they knew he wasn’t somewhere else possibly biting off the head of someone who’s got nothing to do with anything.

 

And Strong was simple. He was honest, just a big guy who likes to be himself. And Jen found charming how he seemed to care so deeply about the strength of others, as if he just wanted to share the joy of how good it is to be Strong, and just cannot fathom how others can live with a different experience. Jen thought, if he hated others so much he would not bother with telling them they are weak, and would just leave all of us to die. It was mildly comforting. Jen was weak, or if anything that’s how they saw themselves. They didn’t understand anymore why they kept coming back up after being knocked down over and over again. Why someone like them, someone so utterly worthless, had survived this long. Maybe they were just a little too careful and that was enough.

 

‘Human weak. Strong help weak human. Human become strong.’ 

 

Strong didn’t seem as annoyed as usual, which to an outsider would not mean anything. His growly loud voice felt unwelcoming for most, along with his appearance, and he seemed to have a frown eternally stuck to his face. Jen would have to admit super mutants were not the most pleasant sight they met after leaving the Pre-War era, and most of them seemed really violent and Jen had no idea how they even came to be in the first place. But they wanted to befriend them regardless after the initial shock. Maybe it was a part of the weakness thing, a soft heart, a desire to reach into the lives of others and not have to hurt anyone. Jen had a conviction, they always had to give everyone a chance no matter how difficult things seemed. The only reason they hadn’t been killed yet was because they made sure to not approach most strangers.

 

‘I appreciate that very much, big guy’

 

‘Tiny human. Human eat, become big and strong.’

 

‘I don’t think that’s going to work, dear.’ 

 

Jen had already accepted he would never become strong. Just take the beating. Take it at home, take it at school, take it in the bedroom. Sometimes a beating comes in the shape of words, and you take it. Because fighting extends the time and causes more distress, people who fight and hurt eventually just get tired of you and leave when you’re no longer useful to them. Because the only reason Jen was still alive was because they had become sweet and kind. Now they would do everything to never hurt anyone, they never fight, never confront. Their small frame only really had one use and it wasn’t to go around fighting or screaming.

 

‘Human need Strong. Strong protect human, but Strong can’t protect human forever.’

 

‘What do you mean?’

 

‘Human sometimes without Strong. Then human weak.’

 

‘Well, you can just stick around then, I don’t mind.’

 

‘No!’ Strong stopped in his tracks. He seemed very offended at the idea.

 

‘Human need become strong. Not need Strong. Strong is important.’

 

Jen was having a really difficult time telling the difference between when he was referencing himself and when he was referencing strength.

 

‘You’re losing me, honey.’ They shook their head to reinforce that idea. Strong seemed to understand it, and raised a finger and repeated the sentence pointing to himself when that was the intended meaning.

 

‘Oh... I understand.’ It was a sad sensation. Jen did think that it must be rather marvelous to be on top of everything, overflowing with power where no one can hurt you without thinking twice about it. That wasn’t the life that was meant for them. ‘Some people are just weak and there’s nothing you can do about it, but that’s ok.’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘Because...-’

 

They paused. Why is it ok that I’m so weak? How can I be alive if I’m so puny and gutless? If I can’t become better, what’s the point? They stared at the ground, at the bits of dry grass, as if scanning the territory in the hopes of stumbling across a good answer. Maybe at a better moment they could’ve come up with a half-decent answer, but in a moment of self-absorption Jen couldn’t find a way out. They knew it when it came to other people, they knew that when others are weak you must protect them, and the fact that they’re weak doesn’t make them less worthy, and that strength can be found in different shapes and sizes. But when it came to themselves, that couldn’t even cross their thoughts. They felt weak in absolutely every aspect of themselves and felt like there was no excuse for it. Gazing at the ground, they walked a couple of steps and slowly and mindlessly sat down. Strong approached them slightly. He was confused and still awaiting an answer. For some reason though, he didn’t feel alarmingly impatient. Strong had killed and eaten and he was strong. Everything was as ok as it could be, really.

 

Jen’s eyes were fixated at the ground and yet he couldn’t see anything. Sometimes his vision would go bad, sometimes he’d see things that obviously couldn’t be there because they weren’t real, but now they were so clouded that sight didn’t matter anymore. Thoughts would come and go chaotically, irrationally, this everlasting, painful noise.

 

‘Strong.’ Jen spoke up rather quietly, a sharp pain ran through their throat as they did. ‘What- What does it mean to be you?’

 

‘Strong not get it.’ It didn’t take him more than a couple of seconds. ‘Oh, Strong get it now. Strong kill, strong is good. Strong is best, no one hurt strong. Better than weak. Weak is bad, die fast. Strong not die. Weak bad at fighting. Fighting good, feel strong!’

 

It was a simplistic string of thoughts. Jen tried to wrap their head around things. Is it about survival? They were certainly alive, but what good did that serve? Is it enough to just make it through regardless of how many times you’re taken down? Maybe it was the aspect of fighting back, of being able to impose for the sake of preservation, for the sake of taking care of your own needs. But then that’d mean hurting others, and then that makes you just as awful as...

 

Jen’s mind was a cage, their own hell on earth. They couldn’t even follow their own thoughts anymore. Strong was growing impatient now.

 

‘Why human weak?! Human speak to Strong!’ He reached to grab Jen’s shoulder. The human recoiled violently from the firm grasp, stumbling away from him.

 

‘WHY CAN’T YOU JUST-’ They gestured something, like trying to keep a beast from overflowing and consequently losing control on how to move. It was painful. Strong didn’t even come close to hurting them but it was painful. ‘Why can’t you just- just understand. I don’t-’ Jen didn’t even know who they were really talking to anymore. They were still sitting and their hand twitched uncomfortably, clutching their own leg and digging their nails into it.

 

Strong pushed them, knocking Jen’s back against a nearby rock.

 

For him, it was far from even a normal violent push. Sometimes he’d get in arguments with others, or someone would say something he didn’t like but he didn’t want to kill them either, so he just pushed them. Strong didn’t even quite grasp why he just did it, other than he felt something bad. He saw the fingers and the nails and the skin. Seemed like someone trying to open flesh. Seemed like the human was going to pull off meat their own leg. Strong didn’t like it.

 

Jen curled up from the pain, crouching into himself. As the super mutant came closer to them, they curled their fingers. In those quick moments if they had been able to process any words in the shape of a sentence, they would’ve thought that honest to goodness, they wanted to knock a fucking teeth of his shitty face. It was a punch alright, though not a very good one, but just alright. Strong thought to himself that it was a very puny punch, but that for some reason it meant something. It was even enough to throw his face a little off its course, so it had to mean something.

 

Jen was burning up till that point, and after that moment of complete mindlessness, they realised they had just punched someone in the face. Not a raider, or a synth that’s about to murder you, or a feral ghoul that noticed you and you have no other choice, but someone they liked and wanted to think of as a friend. The feeling of anger didn’t exactly subside as much as it was dominated by something else.

 

‘Oh- oh, no- no, no, I-I’m so sorry- I’m-’ Tears were streaming down their face. Their mind was once again dominated by a rainstorm of words and thoughts and chaos. Jen felt utterly horrible and disgusting. They could barely coordinate anything else to say.

 

Strong was confused. He was sure he had seen humans crying before so it’s not like he didn’t know what that was, but he couldn’t understand why. It was a strange string of events that didn’t really make any sense and was so puzzling to the point of not even making him angry anymore. It really was so outside of his realm of sense and understanding that it stunned him.

 

‘Why human cry?’ Strong had been mostly bent over to try and look at Jen’s face, trying to absorb as much information as he could. He decided to sit down as well. ‘Why human cry?’

 

Jen didn’t really know whether he meant why people cry in general or not.

 

‘P- People... cry when, when they’re sad.’ They were decently close to sobbing, but were holding it back. Which was a skill they were sometimes proud of, actually.

 

‘Why human sad?’

 

‘Because, I- I’m, I hurt you, Strong-’ Jen held their breath, as if they could somehow gulp down their own tears. ‘Because I’m, I’m so terrible, oh god- I’m sorry.’ Jen was slowly turning into a ball, trying to create distance without being able to just run away, shaking. They were scared. Terrified even. They could feel it coming, the pain, the punishment, and they were afraid. It didn’t matter how, whether it was a scream or a hand. Sharp pains ran across their skin.

 

‘But human hurt Strong good. Strong not understand.’

 

‘Hurting- others... is wrong, I- I didn’t want to hurt you-’

 

‘Human angry. Strong hurt human. Human hurt strong.’ He seemed to be struggling gathering words, it was too obvious, and it was hard to explain. ‘Strong not think human bad.’

 

‘T- ... That’s because, you, you don’t understand.’ Jen was gathering his breath. ‘I can’t go around getting angry at people, I can’t hurt anyone.’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘B-Because, when you hurt people, they- they, they hurt you and then they leav-’ They started crying again, biting their lip to shut themselves up.

 

‘Strong not leave human. Human leave Strong?’

 

‘What?’ It was the clearest of the noises that came out of them.

 

‘Strong hurt human, maybe Strong did bad. But Strong not like it so Strong hurt. Human leave now?’ That was probably the closest to an apology that he could get. It wasn’t so much as guilt as when looking back, it didn’t seem like he pushed them for a particularly good reason. Not that he needed one, but maybe since the human was weak it seemed like a bad idea. Strong didn’t mind hurting weak things, but for some reason he didn’t want to get rid of them. Jen was always listening to him, and didn’t call him names or seemed to not understand that super mutants were the strongest. They were weak but were still able to make through everything, and sometimes got out of situations in really weird ways. They didn’t hang out a lot but it never was a particularly bad time when it did happen. It annoyed Strong that they would often get hurt but they were strong enough to sustain damage. What he wished was that Jen was able to stand next to him when they fought and didn’t get him so worried. Strong didn’t know why he felt that way.

 

Jen wiped his face crudely, in the hopes of being comforting. 

 

‘What? Of, of course not! I, understand you’re like that and you didn’t mean anything like, oh, I’m so-’

 

‘Human not say sorry!’ It was a rough cut at their sentence. Jen flinched rather painfully. Strong noticed that, and found it strange. It seemed like that hurt them for some reason, even though he didn’t hit them, they still moved like they did.

 

‘Strong not hurt human.’ He felt the need to clarify that. ‘Human understand Strong. Strong understand Human. Human angry.’

 

‘That’s the whole point- I mean, I’m, I’m not supposed to do that!’

 

‘Why?’

 

‘Because, because...’ His face could only express deep pain. ‘Because, if I’m angry, then, I’m bad, understand?’

 

‘Strong bad?’

 

‘N-no-’

 

‘Then, human not bad!’ It was an annoying back and forth for Strong. As much as people insulted the intelligence of super mutants, humans didn’t seem to be so smart either. He questioned why he was bearing with this, and felt that maybe he was the cause of this whole thing. But that didn’t make sense so he brushed that thought off.

 

‘I-’ Jen didn’t know how to retort. He was right, of course he was right, it’s such basic logic, but it was a violent fight in their mind. They were really overwhelmed by it. Their face was red and crunched up from crying so extensively.

 

‘When Strong angry, Strong hurt! Strong tell human angry is good. Human never angry? Human listen-’ In his own way Strong was starting to rant. It was easy enough to follow but a bit unpleasant on your ears due to it feeling so repetitive. Jen was back at starting at the ground, overtaken by a certain sadness that still left room for them to gather some thoughts. They weren’t actually listening but they got the gist of it.

 

‘Strong. Stro- Strong.’ Jen managed to get him to notice he was trying to talk. He turned to look at them. His hazy eyes in the deep green sockets slightly widened trying to take in all the information.

 

‘I think, it’s ok that I- and other people, are weak. Because-’ They paused and pressed their eyelids a little. ‘Because, everyone is important, everyone deserves to live, everyone deserves good things.’

 

‘Even weak tiny human?’

 

Jen chuckled a little. Strong didn’t fool around. ‘Yeah. Even weak tiny human. Even me.’

 

Strong seemed a little perplexed at the idea. Maybe ‘a little’ is an understatement, but it had been a weird evening. 

 

‘Strong people, you do what we can’t do. We do what you can’t.’

 

‘What weak human do?’

 

‘Well I can do this.’ Jen scurried over to where Strong was, rising up on their knees to reach the height of Strong’s large neck and wrapping their arms around him. Jen didn’t really think much about this and was acting more on a whim. ‘Thank you.’

 

Strong didn’t understand, but it felt really warm. It felt a little familiar, but also very strange. He was trying to wrap his head around what to think about that and the embrace ended. ‘Sorry.’ Jen chuckled nervously, imagining that was probably a little weird. 

 

Strong picked up their arms and wrapped them around himself again, and did the same around their waist. 

 

‘Strong not done.’ It was so surprising Jen couldn’t help let out a little cackle before adjusting themselves more comfortably.

 

‘Good, I wasn’t either.’

  
  
  
  



End file.
